The Lawyer and the Blonde...

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.
He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes her up and asks,
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Do you love your mom as much as she loves you?

My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me.
I was so embarrassed.
How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only has one eye!'
I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, 'If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?'
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.
I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, then one day, my mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren.
When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my children!'
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'
And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,' and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
'My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
With all my love to you,
Your mother. '

When Police Training goes Wrong!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and got progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman relied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is", she said.
The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A lesson to be learned

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during aparticularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address,and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile. somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned homefrom her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamedand then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. ... It sure is freakin' hot down here.

DIVORCE LETTERS

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed,Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

This sounds about right

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should tryelectricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are
The best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I likeconstruction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D.C. , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table And poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the Empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and Favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked". It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The Price of Children

This is just too good not to pass on to all. Something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock!

That doesn't even touch college tuition .

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.

It translates into:* $8,896.66 a year,

* $741.38 a month, or

* $171.08 a week.*

That's a mere $24.24 a day!*

Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."

Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

* Glimpses of God every day.

* Giggles under the covers every night.

* More love than your heart can hold.

* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites

* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to:

* finger-paint,

* carve pumpkins,

* play hide-and-seek,

* catch lightning bugs, and

* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,

* watching Saturday morning cartoons,

* going to Disney movies, and

* wishing on stars.

* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,

* taking the training wheels off a bike,

* removing a splinter,

* filling a wading pool,

* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream or pizza regardless.

You get a front row seat to history, to witness the:

* first step,

* first word,

* first bra,

* first date, and

* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits. So, one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!!!!

Love Ya'

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't anymore. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you." So while we have it . it's best we love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken ... .. and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage . and old cars .. and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what. Life is important, like people we know who are special. and so, We keep them close! I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it if you feel that way. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.
And just in case GOD calls me home ..... I LOVE YA!!! I'm sssoooo glad you're my FRIEND!
Live today to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised.

HEY! Pretty Lady!

Hello, Pretty Lady! THIS IS A TOAST.... 2 US .. FOR THE MEN WHO HAVE US, THE LOSERS WHO HAD US, AND THE LUCKY PEOPLE WHO WILL MEET US!!

Red Marbles

>> I was at the corner grocery store buying some early
>> potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone
>> and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a
>> basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my
>> potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh
>> green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new
>> potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help
>> overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the
>> store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
>>
>> "Hello Barry, how are you today?"
>>
>> "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin'
>> them
>> peas. They sure look good."
>>
>> "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
>>
>> "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
>>
>> "Good. Anything I can help you with?"
>>
>> "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
>>
>> "Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr.
>> Miller.
>>
>> "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
>>
>> "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those
>> peas?"
>>
>> "All I got's my prize marble here."
>>
>> "Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.
>>
>> "Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
>>
>> "I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is
>> blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one
>> like this at home?", the store owner asked.
>>
>> "Not zackley but almost."
>>
>> "Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you
>> and next trip this way let me look at that red
>> marble", Mr. Miller told the boy.
>>
>> "Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
>>
>> Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over
>> to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two
>> other boys like him in our community, all three are
>> in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain
>> with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
>> When they come back with their red marbles, and they
>> always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all
>> and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a
>> green marble or an orange one, when they come on
>> their next trip to the store."
>>
>> I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with
>> this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado ,
>> but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and
>> their bartering for marbles. Several years went by,
>> each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently
>> I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
>> community, and while I was there learned that Mr.
>> Miller had died. They were having his visitation
>> that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I
>> agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we
>> fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased
>> and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
>> Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in
>> an army uniform and the other two wore nice
>> haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional
>> looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing
>> composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each
>> of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek,
>> spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
>> Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by
>> one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his
>> own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.
>> Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our
>> turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was
>> and reminded her of the story from those many years
>> ago and what she had told me about her husband's
>> bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she
>> took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those three
>> young men who just left were the boys I told you
>> about. They just told me how they appreciated the
>> things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim
>> could not change his mind about color or size....they came
>> to pay their debt." "We've never had a great deal
>> of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right
>> now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in
>> Idaho ." With loving gentleness she lifted the
>> lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting
>> underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
>>
>>
>> The Moral : We will not be remembered by our
>> words, but by our kind
>> deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
>> but by the moments
>> that take our breath.