The Butterfly and The Flower

Jokes

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. *****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. Th e Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. *******************************************

Thought for the Day

I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME .

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .

FOR MY HUGE HEATING AND AIR CONDITIONING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM IN THE WINTER & COOL IN THE SUMMER.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

HI BEAUTIFUL!

Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?
Well, it is and that means you and me.

Facts On Figures :

1. There are 3 billion women who don't look like super models ? And only eight who do.
2. Did you know Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14?
3. If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all FOURS due to her proportions!
4. The average woman weighs 144 pounds, and wears between a size 12-14.
5. One out of every 4 college-aged women has an eating disorder.
6. The Models in the magazines are AIRBRUSHED!!! - NOT Perfect!!
7. A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at a Fashion Magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed , guilty and SHAMEFUL!
8. Models 20 years ago weighed 8% Less than the average Woman. Today they weigh 23% less......

~*~ Beauty of a Woman ~*~

1. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
2. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides.
3. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
4. It is the caring that she lovingly gives,The passion that she shows.
5. The beauty of a woman With time, only grows..

The Images of A Mom

1. 4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
2. 8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
3. 12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
4. 14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either!
5. 16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
6. 18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
7. 25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
8. 35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
9. 45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
10. 65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom...
    ***Please send this to all the phenomenal women you know today in celebration of Women's History Month***If you do, something good will happen...YOU will boost another woman's self-esteem

You are one of my Balloons

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason.. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

POWERFUL WOMEN

To the powerful women in my life - Keep the faith!!!
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says... 'Oh shit...she's awake!!

SMILE!

Get even with a pesky neighbor

How was your cereal this morning?

Latest Grill Accessories These are a must have!
Tattoo Of The Year
Good Reason to Wear Pajamas to Bed!!!
BOY GENIUS!

INFORMATIVE TIPS ON PUMPING GAS

INFORMATIVE TIPS ON PUMPING GAS...
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.. Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period through the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16, 800,000 gallons.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps. When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some other liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money. One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount. Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money. DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS

Are you Ready for This?

Hi All,

I really don't know what to say?
Some amazing stories over the years have been passed over the net.
But I challenge you to match this. I could write a lot but I'm not going to.
You are just going to have to watch it.
If you think you are to busy to do so then....... I'll be straight up with you right now and tell you that you can not afford to not watch this.

http://www.wretch.cc/video/ritahsia&func=single&vid=2282608&rpage=2&p=0

there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

You're laughing aren't you? That's good .......my job here is done!Have a great day.

John McCain's Sons

Talk about putting your most valuable where your mouth is! Apparently thiswas not "newsworthy"enough for the media to comment about. Can either of the other presidential candidates truthfully come close to this? ... Just a question for each of us to seek an answer,and not a statement. You see...character is what's shown when the public is not looking. Therewere no cameras or press invited to what you are about to read about, and the story comes from one person in New Hampshire. One evening last July, Senator John McCain of Arizona arrived at the New Hampshire home of Erin Flanagan for sandwiches, chocolate-chip cookies and a heartfelt talk about Iraq. They had met at a presidential debate, when sheasked the candidates what they would do to bring home American soldiers - - soldiers like her brother, who had been killed in action a few months earlier.Mr. McCain did not bring cameras or press. Instead, he brought his youngest son, James McCain, 19, then a private first class in the Marine Corps about to leave for IraqB>. Father and son sat down to hear more about Ms. Flanagan's brother Michael Cleary, a 24-year-old Army First Lieutenant killed by an ambush ... a roadside bomb.No one mentioned the obvious: In just days, Jimmy McCain could facesimilar perils. 'I can't imagine what it must have been like for them as they werecoming to meet with a family that ......' Ms. Flanagan recalled, choking up. 'We lost a dear one,' she finished.Mr. McCain, now the presumptive Republican nominee, has staked hiscandidacy on the promise that American troops can bring stability to Iraq/st1:country-region>. What he almost never says is that one of them is his own son, who spent sevenmonths patrolling Anbar Province and learned of his father's New Hampshire victoryin January while he was digging a stuck military vehicle out of the mud.Two of Jimmy's three older brothers went into the military. Doug McCain, 48, was a Navy pilot. Jack McCain, 21, is to graduate from the Naval Academy next year, raising the chances that his father, if elected, could become the first president since Dwight D. Eisenhower with a son at war. I chose to share this with those who I believe will pass it on, to otherswho will pass it on. We hear so much inflated trash out there. How about a simpleact of kindness ... and dedication to others placed above oneself?Has anybody heard if Barack Hussein Obama has served in The American ArmedServices?This is for all you Barack voters.From Barack's book, Audacity of Hope: "I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an uglydirection."HE DID NOT SAY "STAND WITH AMERICANS!!!!!"

Pictures taken at the right moment