The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'.. he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Just us Women
There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to take a close lookat herself. Not at her circumstance, not at what she did, not how unfair life is, or at who made you do it. She has to just look atherself in all her glory and imperfection. Have you ever admired awoman who has been through changes in her life? Or have you made up in yourmind that she is just messed up. Before you make this mistake,take a closer look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life issomeone of wisdom, someone who has been chosen by God to go through thingsthat have made her stronger. Think of all the great women in the Bible: Mary Magdalene, Ruth and Naomi,the woman with an issue of blood, and Esther, to name a few. Mary was aprostitute, a very uneasy woman. But by the time Jesus wasdone with her, she was His closest follower. Esther was unfortunatein marrying an abusive man, but by the time God was done with her, she hadmarried one of the wealthiest men in the land. Women are so quick to beatthe next one down instead of trying to holdher up. Before you wonder, " What's up with her?" ask yourself,"What's up with me?" That woman could be my mother, sister, aunt,in-law, stepmother, niece, grandmother, great-grandmother, neighbor, friend,or co-worker, etc. That woman could be ME. Women are the carriers of life, not the channels of death. Let's build andencourage each other, as did Ruth and Naomi. Pass this to all the women inyour life. Encourage and love, forgive and forget, and trust that the womanthat receives this will be touched in some way.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinnerwith her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents; come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents; come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. S
o her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
"I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Monday, April 14, 2008
Our 1st Black President should be....
We should have a nationwide push to write him in for our next president!!!
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads.
You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting.
They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what??
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2??
Where were you when he was 12??
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol??
And where is the father??
Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs.
We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads.
You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting.
They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what??
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2??
Where were you when he was 12??
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol??
And where is the father??
Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs.
We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
WAY TO GO, BILL !! It's NOT about color... It's about behavior!!!
Friday, April 11, 2008
New Drink for Gals
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Color Test
Bet you can't get 100% on the first try!
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors!
Have fun!
It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions!
It's harder than it seems, as it should be!
A brain waker-upper for today!
(http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf)
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors!
Have fun!
It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions!
It's harder than it seems, as it should be!
A brain waker-upper for today!
(http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf)
Monday, April 7, 2008
Dixie or Yankee?
This will REALLY test your American English!!! It's fun and interesting.Enter your % in the subject line before passing this on!!! If you want you can send it back to the person that sent it to you! This is fun and interesting, give it a try!
Click on link below:
The Yankee or Dixie quiz
Click on link below:
The Yankee or Dixie quiz
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